What the Self-Help Era Didn’t Teach Us About Power: Burnout Is Not a Personal Failure & Stability Is Not a Moral Achievement
Regulation, capacity, boundaries, toxicity, complexity, endless processing. The self-help era of my 20s was truly hell for me. It was also delightful. What I noticed early on was that the people who held power were able to say, “I don’t have capacity, sorry,” often right when accountability was required. Those of us without that option picked up the slack. We made it look graceful. We stabilized teams, households, romantic relationships, and entire organizations. Until we couldn’t. Our favorite cousin, burnout, always shows up and stays longer than planned. They’re kind, they just need our attention, and eventually they wander off to the next beloved struggling with compassion fatigue and moral injury that needs to slow down and integrate the harm they’ve endured so that they can emerge more resourced and clear on their needs and boundaries.
I’ve never been disillusioned. I live in America, and no matter how much I divest from harm, I am still complicit by virtue of being alive in modernity. I knew early on that I would methodically excavate every white paper, fellowship, role, and project I encountered in order to become more stable and clear in a world that withholds clarity as a baseline. Unless, of course, you play the game exactly as instructed, until the goalpost shifts again right after you’ve figured out how to show up. I’ve only been able to understand the difference between sturdy and safe versus extractive and exploitative because I’ve been fortunate to have elders, loved ones, and collaborators who consciously made space for disagreement. Space to be dissonant. Space to misunderstand. Space to mirror one another’s inner worlds, even when they were unclear or in conflict. My body knows it’s safe to be unclear together.
From that spaciousness, I learned that I always belong even if I didn’t fit the idea, didn’t have capacity, or lacked training. I would be guided and supported to learn and grow in community. Some people have left my life along the way, characterizing me as an old soul, a grandparent, boring, too serious, or not fully utilizing my power because I literally didn’t have the spoons or will power to do more than the basic necessities my life required at the time. The projection field is strong with me as a 5/1 PMG with all left arrows (and) a Taurus rising. I’m here to make art, to archive and artifact relationship, hardship, and uncertainty. To me everything really is everything. Here are some things I’ve found grounding and helpful in seasons of upheaval, loneliness, or uncertainty.
Set longer-term learning goals or creative practices. Non-tech, non-productivity-driven rituals strengthen dignity. They help you stay ready while you wait for what’s next. Learn something slowly. Make something without urgency. Let it mature you. Let yourself experience yourself following through for yourself from your most innermost places that no one else can access but you.
Learn ways to regulate yourself. Life is hard for everyone. When you understand your own patterns and meet yourself with solutions, you can stay grounded and connected even when you don’t feel capable of being perceived. Cocoon with your favorite media, oils, workouts, blankets. Go for a long drive. Call a loved one. Nap into calmness. There is always a way to care for yourself enough to stay in relationship with yourself and others, even lightly. Dissociation can be helpful in doses but when we can move between isolation, communication and connection to earth and loved ones - we offer our body more coherence. Teaching ourselves we will emerge and survive even when it feels we won’t.
Remind yourself where you come from and extend that grace to yourself and others. Everyone is doing what they can. Let it go when possible. As often as possible. Especially when you don’t want to. I love discovering what’s on the other side of release, especially as someone with a Taurus, Aquarius, and Leo fixed trine touching all of my 6 Scorpio placements. I will probably die struggling to let go of something. Hopefully it’s joy, not something stupid. Probably will be…. A human being can only dream….
