Stop Calling It Connection If There’s No Agreement
When we examine what people are really doing in relationships, it can be tempting to avoid the truest truths. Mostly because real resolution requires inner work and self-accountability. Avoidance is easier. Over the last decade, I’ve been noticing very practical truths that have supported me in navigating a life largely shaped by relationships, which makes sense with my seventh house Scorpio stellium. There are ways to hold depth and nuance without enmeshment or over-giving. Shared sovereignty allows everyone’s needs to be met, but only when people are transparent about what they need and what they cannot provide.
We are moving into an era where “power over” cannot undermine “power under” in the same way. It still happens, of course in the most corrupt and visible ways: see any news article or current event. And also, I’m sitting here sharing my expertise as a means of surviving late-stage capitalism…..even though I have a CV with it’s own back problems due to the weight it’s carried…..that’s been peer reviewed by life itself. I am literally displaying embodied awareness on my blog to pay my bills. Who I am on the inner-most level is needing to be made product and brand and narrative because it’s needed in the world:
Public lies don’t work anymore. Cuspy Millennials have seen too much. Gen Z wouldn’t tolerate the relational roles many of us had to perform, and many of us felt our way through repeated economic collapses. Some more than others, all of our lineages have since the beginning of time.
With six placements in my seventh house of Scorpio, I feel that post-Saturn return I’ve been re-emerging into the world with clarity. My ability to mirror, translate, and stabilize relationships is my gift, not my shame. I understand relationships at a cellular level because, in the “before times,” organizing, relating, and co-living didn’t involve technology. It was rooted in presence, acceptance, and communication that respected where people actually were in their lives. Below are some key tenets I return to in order to stay sane in a deeply relational world.
Depth Without Consent Becomes Extraction: This works in both directions. I used to feel calm and grounded in interactions because of a recovering Christian sense of ease. I know myself, I can share myself, and we’re all reflections of the whole. How cool. No. The current state of the U.S. reminds me that we are too divided to consent to depth without explicitly naming what is happening between us. I’ve had people tell me they enjoy me for the “revelation of my words.” My auADHD brain was like, omg nerd life. No. Be safe and be clear. Ask people why they want to explore a topic or enter an experience. Ask what they are actually available for.
Mutuality Is Not Intensity: Simply put: someone who wants to be around you but cannot sustain connection, consider you, or show up for you may just be bonding intensely to enjoy state-based intimacy. This is part of my current research on state-based intimacy. I’ll link more when it’s ready. For now, don’t assume reciprocity unless it’s been named and supported. Preferably written down or acknowledged in a meaningful way. Many of us are trying to create community and chosen family, yet unintentionally recreating the very patterns that excluded us from society or our families of origin.
Why Some Relationships Feel Deep but Aren’t Safe: If your body is questioning whether you’re safe, pause. Take space. Notice whether this is nervous system dysregulation or whether you’re finally able to feel what safety actually means to you. In my own life, the more grounded and self-aware I became, the more I could name harm. As a younger version of myself, I often thought, it’s just a rough time. No. If someone repeatedly makes you feel unsafe, create agreements that allow safety or accept the limits of the connection.
Emotional Transparency Is Not Accountability: Someone saying they understand does not mean they will apply that understanding. Whether their inability to show up comes from trauma, social harm, or conditioning is not the point. Make boundaries that respect your humanity and theirs. Do not over-give to compensate for someone else’s lack of accountability.
How Power Leaks When Agreements Stay Unspoken: This was the hardest lesson I’ve ever learned. Life becomes slippery when people keep conversations circular, shift blame, or avoid directness. If someone in your life is not following explicit agreements, get support. Power leaks through thoughts, questions, bids for connection, trauma unpacking, and endless attempts at shared solutions. Eventually, you may realize your life is orbiting an unspoken elephant in the room while everyone discusses wall paint or meal options. Seek help early. I promise you will be glad you did.
